Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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