Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize