All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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