Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize