Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
