I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this just has baby written all over it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
