i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
