Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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