I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
