Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
