Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
