Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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