would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
