I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
