I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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