The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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