hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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