why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
