it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
