I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
