I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I looked at my own cervix.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize