whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Randomize
