Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
