You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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