we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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