Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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