If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize