so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
