On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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