ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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