I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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