Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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