can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
