why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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