You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
