I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
