She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
