Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
