If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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