does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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