as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
