I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
