I wish I could punch you in the face.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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