Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
