So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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