Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
