she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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