youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Found the puke drawer
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
