he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
