Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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