The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
