I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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