Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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