Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
