More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
