my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
